Good Vibrations: Midlife Women Are Taking Pleasure Personally

This piece was written by one of our dear readers—a woman with something real to say. Each month, we handpick the best submissions for Dear Reader because we’re after that PROVOKED bite: truth, intelligence, and heart. These stories come from women our age—women who’ve lived enough to know better and still care enough to tell it anyway. Because being seen and heard matters. Because storytelling is how we stitch ourselves to one another. And because when one woman speaks her truth, another finally recognizes her own. — Susan Dabbar, Editor-in-Chief

For decades, we were taught to be grateful, quiet, and accommodating. Now women are taking pleasure into their own hands—literally. Sexual wellness isn’t a phase; it’s power.

After my TED talk, I partnered with a sexual wellness company. As a welcome gift, they sent me a box filled with some of their best-selling vibrators. When it arrived, my daughters (17 and 19) dove in. My 28-year-old son stepped back and said, “I have the coolest mom. What other mom gets a box of sex toys in the mail?”

They weren’t ashamed or embarrassed. They simply took the delivery as part of who I am.

And that reaction? Let’s just say it’s not the norm.

My friend ordered her first vibrator on Amazon. Her son got to the box first, and immediately threw the vibrator away. “That’s disgusting,” he told his mom.

Not the device.

Not the purpose of the device.

Her desire.

That’s what we are told over and over after age 50.

Sex is for the young.

That we should quietly “age out.”

That pleasure is something we don’t need or deserve anymore.

Menopause becomes our expiration date; our bodies change so society believes our desire stops too. We’re taught the narrative that our purpose is to provide for others, to put everyone’s comfort before our own.

But here’s the truth: We aren’t past our prime.

We’re simply done putting ourselves last.

Talking about desire and pleasure isn’t “disgusting.”

It’s autonomy.

It’s saying: My body is still mine, my life is still mine, and I get to feel good in it.

Pleasure as Power

I worked with Sheila, twice widowed, C-suite badass.

But she’d never experienced an orgasm.

Sheila’s company was working to cut the executive position she’d held for 15 years. Exhausted from fighting to prove she could fill her role, we discussed stress relief—including masturbation. She’d never done it.

But she accepted the challenge and bought a vibrator.

For her, it wasn’t just about pleasure. It was about reaffirmation.

“It reminded me that I’m still here,” she said. “Not just existing. Owning it.”

For many women, midlife marks a return to autonomy. Kids are grown. Careers are stable. Partners may be gone due to divorce or death. Suddenly, women can reclaim ownership of their wants. Embracing our sexual pleasure allows us to determine what sexy is in midlife.

A friend of mine experienced this after her youngest child finished college and she divorced her husband of 23 years. “For the first time in decades, I had no one to take care of besides me. I got to explore what truly made me feel good without the pressure of how it affected someone else.”

Melissa, a keynote speaker I knew, felt unseen after retiring. Then she got a vibrator as a gag gift from her daughter. The vibrator evolved from a “gag” to a “wow.”

“Using it made me feel like me again—sexy, in charge, vibrant.”

That’s the real plot twist of midlife: not decline.

Return.

Return to desire.

Return to agency.

Return to the body as yours.

Desire Doesn’t Expire

“I’m too old for sex.”

I hear this a lot. And every time, I want to hold the hands of these women, look into their eyes, and ask why they’d believe something so ridiculous.

At age 59, Jackie realized everyone, including herself, was discounting her desire for romance and intimacy.

So she started small.

Bubble baths.

Wonderful smelling oils and creams.

Clothes that made her feel good, not for anyone else’s approval.

She began exploring her body with curiosity. Shifting the focus to pleasure rather than orgasm eliminated embarrassment. With the pressure gone, Jackie ended up enjoying her body again. Then she noticed other outcomes: an appreciative smile from a stranger, excitement about dating, feeling in control of her life.

I’m not going to tell you that gaining years doesn’t result in changes. But we’ve bought into the lie that these changes eradicate our desire.

News alert: It adapts.

It builds from our experience.

It evolves from our wisdom.

And it no longer conforms to what others tell us it should be.

The Partner Factor

Janey and Sam had a problem.

There was a new partner in their marriage and neither knew how to deal with it.

The new partner was Janey’s first vibrator.

Sam found it and immediately felt replaced. “It made me question if I’d ever been enough for her.”

When confronted, Janey was defensive. She was embarrassed and hadn’t known how to ask Sam for what she wanted. “I felt like I needed to take care of his ego rather than take care of me,” she told me.

When they began to talk about the vibrator as a collaborator, rather than a competitor, everything changed.

Sam realized he now had options to make Janey feel good. “What could be more amazing than making my wife feel like the most beautiful woman in the world?”

More Than a Device

A vibrator isn’t just about sex.

It isn’t there to replace anyone.

It’s a tangible reminder that your pleasure isn’t optional. That your pleasure isn’t open for negotiation or compromise.

A vibrator is a symbol of your midlife manifesto.

I matter.

I’m here.

I deserve pleasure.

And I am far from done.

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