The culture insists everyone else is having wild, satisfying sex. The truth? Most people aren’t—and the pressure to keep up may be doing more harm than good.
I have a friend who has sex because her husband wants it; they used to do it before their evening TV show came on. She’s more excited by the idea of the TV show. She told me this because she wanted the reassurance of knowing that she’s not alone—and she’s not. And while I’m not sandwiching in sex before the HBO logo comes on, I’ve also wondered if maybe my experience is … less.
Because if you trust what you see on TV, movies, advertisements, and Instagram, you might think the rest of the world is getting laid constantly, vigorously, and with great satisfaction. Of course, the media often gives us mixed messages. Our screens tell us that we’re missing out on plentiful and adventurous sex, the kind “everyone” else is enjoying. But the numbers tell a different story.
Everyone Else Is Getting Some, Except They’re Not
The truth is that average amounts to a lot less than you might assume. According to AARP, about 30 percent of people 50-59, 25 percent of those 60-69, and less than 20 percent of those over 70 have weekly sex. And about one-third of those surveyed said they believed that their level of desire was lower than average, with women more likely to claim “below average” than men (shocker).
Something isn’t adding up. Part of that might be confusion about what “average” is: We’re given mixed messages in what we read and what we see, both online and on the big screen.
My social feed is flooded with sex toys, lubricants, guided meditation, and gummies promising to launch my sex life right back into my 20s. Turn on the TV and the ladies of Sex and the City have transitioned into And Just Like That… barely missing a beat for an estrogen patch or two.
The message is clear: You should be getting more or you’re deficient.
This isn’t a new message, just one imbued now with the additional drag of hormonal fluctuations. We grew up on movies like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, which showed us that getting laid regularly was the key to happiness. An early viewpoint of sexual success meaning quantity over quality, once rooted, is hard to dig out and it’s unlikely to change in the face of contemporary reinforcements.
Does Frequency Even Matter?
But is it even really a big deal, beyond some well-calculated marketing? Some research does claim that sexual frequency directly impacts couples’ implicit feelings about their relationship. Basically, regular (weekly) sex points toward a more positive perception of the partnership, even if it doesn’t indicate a greater level of relationship satisfaction. In other words, it’s better from the outside, but the interior may still be lacking. Surely, however, stress to fulfill a perceived “goal” unravels any potential benefit. If you’ve ever had appointment sex—at the behest of a therapist, a reproductive specialist, etc.—you know just how hot this becomes: not at all.
The truth? Midlife brings the host of physical changes that we know and endure. Add in running families, careers, and households—and the potential impact of medications like SSRIs and GLP-1s—and it’s no wonder that sexual desire erodes like Coke on tooth enamel: going, going, gone.
Stop Treating Desire Like a Defect
Wanting different sex, or something that diverges from your partner’s desires, is normal. It’s not a moral failure. Changes or discrepancies in sexual interest often mean that you’re busy, exhausted, and human. Morgan Bougourd, a counselor in Baltimore, MD, points to internal factors like self-image and performance anxiety as causes for decreased interest.
“Desire grows in environments where people feel safe, unpressured, and allowed to want—or not want—without consequence,” she said. When one partner wants change, there has to be tolerant, supportive space for that to occur. But boundaries are important; respecting those and resisting any move toward negotiating them keeps one partner from feeling railroaded.
Ultimately, however, partners have to work together to preserve intimacy, regardless of sexual involvement. “Closeness, affection, and erotic connection” are all crucial in maintaining a relationship, Bougourd added.
And connection often looks different from how it was in the past. Dr. Jenn Mann, author of The Relationship Fix, said that heterosexual couples often place undue emphasis on intercourse, rather than investigating what options could work for both individuals, such as non-penetrative sex or intimate touching. This might shift the mindset and take adjustment for both—but it could be the adjustment that’s needed.
Rethinking a “Good” Sex Life
Sex isn’t one-size-fits-all and neither is your sex life. What satisfies one person might leave someone else ravenous; what keeps one couple happily steaming ahead might stall another out completely. It’s impossible to say that a “good” sex life means the same thing for everyone.
As Dr. Mann put it, sexual connection is important, but what that looks like varies widely. “A lot of time, it’s about finding compromise,” she said. This means that partners feel equally heard and respected in establishing what “good” means for them. “Everyone [should feel] safe and consensual” in this agreement, she added.
If feeling held back physically or emotionally means that your needs aren’t met, options like medical consultation (and insisting on seeing a doctor who’s sex-positive and empathetic) and pelvic physical therapy can address physical needs. Therapy and open, honest communication are emotional gamechangers; because as Dr. Mann pointed out, blunt and respectful dialogue is invaluable in finding common ground and understanding.
You Get to Decide
Clockwork sex means less than consensual, joyful, respectful intimacy. Rather than keeping a calendar, go with what feels right for you now, not what you think should feel right—or what you think is right for “everyone.” That might be once a week, once a month, or whenever the feeling hits.
And if you don’t want more sex, or the kind of sex you’re getting, you have the right—no, the responsibility—to declare that too. It’s about learning what we truly want and determining how to get it, rather than waiting for those needs to address themselves.
Because you know what? They just won’t.
The real act of rebellion isn’t rejecting the “norm.” It’s deciding what good sex looks like for you, right now, in this body and in this life—and refusing to accept anything less.
