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Here’s to the women who thrive on their own terms—and their own time.
Smoking 15 cigarettes a day. That’s the mortality impact of social disconnection, according to the 2023 Surgeon General’s report. Social isolation is particularly problematic among older adults, with a new study finding that midlife Americans are among the loneliest people on the planet.
So loneliness kills, but you know what else can?
Too much forced togetherness.
Whether from the medical community, the media, or well-meaning loved ones, the pressure on women 50+ to socialize is enough to make you pull a Greta Garbo and wail, “I want to be alone!” It’s as if choosing solitude makes a midlife woman some kind of weirdo. Unless the choice is deemed a lie: We couldn’t possibly prefer to be alone, ever; surely we crave constant companionship, ideally with a romantic partner but also buffeted by gal pals, and for any moments in between scrolling a device to stay connected.
The Stigma of the Solo Woman
Western culture in general values sociability and mistrusts those who seek their own company. “But the stigma is particularly pronounced against midlife women,” Robert J. Coplan, Ph.D., Carleton University psychology professor and author of The Joy of Sollitude, told me.
Men may admiringly be dubbed “lone wolf” or “maverick,” while we get “spinster,” “hag,” “old maid,” and—one I’ve proudly reclaimed—“cat lady.” Men are cinematically celebrated with heroes from Shane to Rambo to John Wick. Yet for every Thelma (June Squibb as an independent senior who extracts justice from creepy conmen), we’re bombarded with Book Club, 80 for Brady, Summer Camp, and And Just Like That….
Innocently amusing on the surface, these midlife chick flicks foster the misnomer that women our age can’t go it alone. We can, of course—we just need fewer friends to prove it. Sure, Thelma was a hoot—and a hit—with Squibb and her character both in their 90s. But where are our loner heroines? Frances McDormand may have on lock the few empowering films produced for our cohort, but the talent on this list deserves leading roles, too.
Yo, Hollywood, if no one’s writing these movies, let me take a crack at it. Crone Alone, anyone?
My Love Affair with Alone Time
For me, solitude is precious. It’s not that I’m antisocial. Really, I can hang. But I’m the live-in caregiver to my nonagenarian mother, and every now and then (okay, often) I gotta get away. Luckily, my husband and I recently took back possession of a small apartment we had sublet for decades.
The first night I spent by myself in the pied-à-terre, I took a bath—my first in three years. Warm water, flickering candlelight, utter silence—it felt so good. The next morning, rather than desperately grab my phone to check accounts and contacts, I leisurely did qi gong, read for a while, and composed a pitch to PROVOKED for this piece. Virginia Woolf hit the nail on the head with A Room of One’s Own, her 1929 feminist essay on the necessity of personal space for women’s creative productivity
Am I Alone in This?
Not by a long shot. Coplan believes we all require some solitude; without it, we could become “alonely,” his coinage for the stress, anger, and depression symptoms that can arise from inadequate alone time.
Solitude isn’t selfish. It’s sanity.
With solitude, we get autonomy—the ability to make and act on our own decisions—as well as headspace for self-reflection and self-discovery. When you’re by yourself you can truly be yourself, without paying heed to the social cues of others or monitoring your speech, facial expressions, and posture to please them.
While research shows we each need to find our own solitude sweet spot, you needn’t escape to a deserted island to reap the benefits. “As little as 15 minutes of solitude daily can take the edge off high-intensity moods, making us feel calmer,” Coplan said. “Plus, spending chosen time alone may improve the quality of our subsequent interactions with others, bolstering our relationships.”
I’m usually the first to awake at home, so I get an hour of “me time” daily. If I sleep late, though, I’d better take my damn self for a walk by afternoon, or I risk being a bit bitchy toward my mom—never a good thing, for either of us.
Claiming My Right to Be Alone
This makes solitude sound like a win-win. So you may wonder who’s being served by keeping women constantly accompanied. Hmmm, might it be the type of man who’s comforted upon confirming that we can’t screw in a lightbulb by ourselves? True, embracing solitude can be challenging for midlife women who suddenly find themselves alone, due to the loss of a partner or a job. In such cases, while avoiding isolation is key, we can try to see newfound time alone as a reward, not a punishment.
For the most part, I’m by myself, for myself. But I also believe that choice to be a quiet act of feminist resistance. The more society sees us happily flying solo, the less strange it will seem. So next time you’re invited to join a knitting circle or a canasta club or, I don’t know, a competitive yodeling chorus, say yes if it truly intrigues you.
Just remember: Saying no to others may very well mean saying yes to yourself.
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