Discontinued, Slightly Unhinged, and Taking It Personally

by | Jan 13, 2026 | Humor

Image: SFD Media LLC

When your favorite product disappears, it’s not vanity. It’s a bit of your identity slipping away.

We’ve all been there: You find it. The perfect lipstick shade that makes your face look inexplicably alive. The dry shampoo that doesn’t leave you looking like a powdered donut. The mascara that lifts your lashes and your soul. You’re hooked. You commit. And then … poof.

It’s gone.

Discontinued.

All that’s left is a gaping hole on the shelf and a 23-year-old associate offering to show you “what’s trending on TikTok.”

I’m not interested in TikTok.

I’m interested in the exact same tube of mascara I’ve been buying since 2007 that made me look like I slept, hydrated, and had self-worth.

What follows is an emotional roller coaster familiar to women everywhere: denial, panic-stalking Amazon like a concealer-crazed bounty hunter, and the creeping suspicion that capitalism is gaslighting us one “new formula” at a time.

Let’s unpack this trauma.

The Shade of Seduction

It starts innocently. Maybe it was on sale. Maybe a tiny woman at the Sephora counter promised it would “change your skin forever” and you were tired enough to believe her.

You dab a little on your wrist, try a sample—and angels sing. You whisper, “Where have you been all my life?” You now understand how millennials felt discovering avocado toast.

You buy backups of your backups. Text friends about it. Tell women in line at the bank, “Seriously, it’s life-changing.” You picture your future life together—aging gracefully, glowing effortlessly, walking into the sunset with flawless foundation and sensible athleisure pants.

It’s bliss.

You feel chosen.

Until, of course, you’re not.

Concealing the Truth

You relax. Get complacent. It’s on shelves week after week, and you think, “They’d never get rid of something this amazing.”

You stop stockpiling, even tossing out old tubes and bottles because you foolishly believe in the future. You build an entire routine around it and don’t even look at other brands. You assume it will be there forever, like sauce stains on Tupperware or men explaining crypto.

You were misled.

You were naïve.

You were wrong.

Maybe She’s Born With It, Maybe It’s Nowhere To Be Seen

At first, it’s subtle. The shelf looks suspiciously bare. You stand in the aisle staring at the empty slot and tell yourself they’re just restocking.

They’re not.

You go online. It’s sold out. You click “notify me when back in stock.” You refresh the website over and over like a heartbroken ex checking Instagram.

So you Google it. And there it is. Buried in the bottom of a Reddit thread or a cryptic brand tweet: “We’ve decided to discontinue this product in order to make room for exciting new innovations!”

New innovations?

I didn’t ask for innovations. I asked for my concealer stick in shade Beige 4.5, not a “whipped, probiotic-infused, clean-girl serum tint” that costs $67 and makes me look like a Victorian orphan.

The betrayal is intimate.

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Pleasures

You stalk Amazon. You scour eBay. A woman named “BarbLovesCats87” is selling your discontinued favorite for $200 plus shipping. You find another seller from what appears to be a storage unit in Argentina. The expiration date is unclear. It might be opened. It might be radioactive. You don’t care.

This is when things get dark.

You buy it anyway—all of it.

Your bathroom starts to look like a small apothecary run by a menopausal mad scientist. You ration it like wartime perfume and run numbers in your head: If you only use it only on special occasions (loosely defined as Wednesdays and whenever you make eye contact with another human), you might stretch it six more months.

This is your life now.

Eau de Existential Spiral

Eventually the loss becomes bigger than the product.

You start seeing patterns. First your favorite laundry soap, then the café that made the good vegan muffins, now the lipstick…

You start wondering, “If they can take this away from me, what else in my life is unstable? Do all good things fade? Is this capitalism reminding me that happiness is a limited-edition item?”

You question if Estée Lauder has a personal vendetta or if it’s really the universe testing you.

“Is it me?” you whisper from your perfectly tinted lips. “Am I the problem?”

Because this is about more than lipstick. It’s about the tiny, familiar rituals that make us feel like ourselves. And how infuriating it is to lose them right when everything else in our lives is shifting too.

This isn’t vanity.

This is continuity.

This is identity maintenance.

And now it’s gone.

Easy, Breezy, Raging at the Beauty Rep Girl

Then the anger hits.

So you do the logical thing: You email customer service demanding answers.

You explain, calmly at first, that this product was your personality, your emotional support stick, your entire identity from the collarbone up. You do not want “new packaging.” You do not want a “reimagined formula.” You do not want a “clean-girl skin tint with probiotic crystals.”

You want the thing that worked.

They reply, “We’re sorry you feel that way!”

Oh, are you?

You imagine a boardroom full of executives high-fiving while you cry in the Target cosmetics aisle. For a brief moment you consider storming the corporate headquarters with your last remaining tube held high like a beige-tinted torch of vengeance.

A stubborn spark of hope remains. Maybe. Just Maybe. They’ll bring it back.

Because You’re Worth It

Then one day, you reach a kind of peace. Not serenity, but the exhausted calm of someone who’s survived worse—low-rise jeans, dial-up internet, your daughter making her own kombucha. You’ve evolved past heartbreak into apathy wrapped in body butter.

You (mostly) stop searching eBay at 2 a.m. You start using what you have, whispering gratitude before each pump or swipe in hopes the product can sense your devotion and linger a little longer.

You learn to love again, but cautiously. You no longer trust “new formula” labels or words like “improved.” You buy backups in bulk like a doomsday prepper with great skin. And just when you think you’re healed, a perky brand rep chirps about “brand evolution” and “streamlining the line.”

You smile tightly, nod, and walk away.

Because you’ve learned the ultimate truth: The beauty industry isn’t about beauty. It’s about control, about profit packaged in pastels and sold as “innovation.”

But you’re smarter. You have backups. You have hot flash-powered rage that can fuel scathing online reviews. And if they ever do create another concealer that erases fine lines and regret?

You’ll be ready.

Because while they may take away our favorite products, they’ll never take away our power—or our Sephora Rouge status.

About the Author

Abby Heugel has spent more than 20 years as a writer and editor, working with clients like Meta, Instacart, Lyft, Google, BAND-AID, Neutrogena, Aveeno, and Johnson & Johnson—and now as a proud writer and editor at PROVOKED. When she’s not obsessing over the em dash, she can be found likely complaining about how they rearranged the grocery store again. You can also find Abby on Facebook and LinkedIn.

1 Comment

  1. This is just plain brilliant. And freaking hysterical because it is ALL TRUE!

    Reply

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