Non-Monogamy 101: An Explainer for the Curious, the Cautious, and the ‘Hell No, But Tell Me More’

Editor’s Note: Not everyone wants to practice non-monogamy. Many never will. But plenty of women—especially at midlife, when identity, desire, and autonomy evolve—are curious about what it actually is. Not the stereotypes, not the headlines, not the jokes. Just the truth. This isn’t a sales pitch. It’s an explainer. Understanding a thing isn’t the same as wanting it but curiosity has always been the beginning of power. 

A judgment-free explainer on ethical non-monogamy—what it is, what it isn’t, and why more adults are talking about it. For women who want clarity and maybe a few new options.

When my partner and I first ventured into polyamory, we had some vocabulary to learn. Turns out, swinger, ethical non-monogamy (ENM), and poly are not only distinctly different terms and, often, mindsets—their meaning can also vary dramatically from person to person. If that sounds confusing, it can be.

For example, we severely pissed off a good friend when mischaracterizing swinging as lacking personal connection. She generously corrected us, pointing out that she and her partner have play partners they see on an ongoing basis. While these aren’t romantic relationships, they do involve personal understanding and involvement. Less generously, my sibling responded to my coming-out-as-poly-announcement with, “Isn’t that what people do when they’re no longer into their own relationships?” I still haven’t figured out the answer to that one.

What We Talk About When We Talk About Non-Monogamy

The individuality of terms and meanings is partly responsible for the confusion, and media representation does little to help and a lot to get in the way. The Ice Storm was one of my own first encounters with the concept of swinging and, for me, created a strong link to the stereotypes of key parties and conversation pit orgies. It also reinforced the idea of non-monogamy that my sibling apparently internalized: Non-monogamy equates to a deficiency within a partnership, a missing piece that’s probably pointing toward Breakupsville.

Non-monogamy is also frequently shown as a punchline, as in the proposed hookup in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (Woody Harrelson plays a hideous hornball with a gorgeous wife, Malin Akerman, who wants to have a group scene) or like You, Me & Her, which critic Marya E. Gates panned as “[dabbling] in non-monogamy and same-sex attraction solely as a means to heteronormative ends.” While it’s not at all uncommon to use the unfamiliar for humor or to exoticize, as often occurred with homosexuality or transsexuality, it’s worth considering that, since we no longer find these acceptable, maybe the time for this has passed.

Swinging vs. Polyamory vs. ENM: What’s the Difference?

Breaking down the terms, ENM is also sometimes referred to as consensual non-monogamy (CNM) and it’s like an umbrella encompassing the other areas. This is what distinguishes ENM from cheating (although the zeitgeist seems to be pushing back on the merits of the ethical aspect.) Cheating on your partner often involves deception and dishonesty. ENM expects mutual understanding and agreement between those involved. And yes, that tends to include quite a bit of communication—just why communication is perceived as “unsexy” is the subject of another whole article.

Swinging, as my friend kindly corrected me, can look like everything from a one-night stand to ongoing partners with a physical focus as the foundation for their connection. She and her partner have semi-regulars who they sometimes meet up with at parties or clubs. Others I’ve met look for lifestyle events like Naughty in N’Awlins (swear I’m not making this up), where like-minds congregate and fornicate. As a society, many of us tend to default to the good old Judeo-Christian mindset that exalts single and exclusive partnerships, which means that swinging can quickly get painted with the sinners’ brush. If we consider that one and only was more of a concept built around inheritance rights than a dictate from God, however, both swinging and polyamory (which I’ll discuss next) provide benefits that align to many of our human needs. And no, I’m not even just talking about sex.

The Jealousy Question

I once met a poly belly dancer who proposed that polyamory was not about sex at all—okay, that stretches the point a bit far, but stay with me here—because its core was based on forming close relationships. Yes, the time management aspect of poly sometimes becomes grind-your-teeth frustrating. If you’ve ever tried to coordinate a date with someone, think about consulting that someone’s calendar—and their partner’s—and their comet partner who happens to be in town that weekend. And does jealousy pop up? Sure does. But the thinking is that jealousy is a reaction, not a permanent state. Where is that reaction coming from and what’s its basis?

Is This Only For the Young? 

ENM is also still largely seen as a youngsters’ game, although that’s probably more due to visibility. Meeting people on the apps does tend to skew to lower ages. But since we’re generally less fluent in apps, that’s not really surprising. It’s the same idea of digital nativity overall: We’ve learned tech, while younger people have always been immersed.

Social groups and private parties seem to be the mainstay of the midlife zone via outlets like meetups and personal introductions. I connected with a man in his late 60s who wanted to establish a fluid-bonded relationship with a couple. His wife wasn’t interested in poly and he wanted to have a comfortable situation for her, addressing concerns about emotional and physical safety, and a way for him to continue to enjoy the group dynamic he used to have with regular parties. Really, though, I think he missed his community as much as the sex.

A Little Bit Poly-Anna

It’s probably evident where my own preferences lie, and while the sex is great, it really is about the relationships for me. When my boyfriend’s dog got sick right before he was leaving the country, I helped out, but my partner (the one whose ring I wear) was right there with me, backed up by several other members of our polycule—an ongoing, like-minded friend group—all ready to assist.

We talk about amazing dates and not-so-fantastic ones, occasionally have parties and sometimes hook up with each other, go thrift shopping, play trivia, invite each other to holiday celebrations, and bring supplies when someone is sick or dealing with the travails of midlife, from colonoscopies to tummy tucks. We are our own flirty village.

I couldn’t explain all this to my sib after their comment about non-monogamy as a marital warning sign. I didn’t have the words or, more practically, the space: We were at trivia night in a local bar, and while our polycule plays there regularly, non-monogamy still raises a lot of eyebrows. I wish I had been able to lay it out like this then. But I’ll settle for being able to make it clear now.