Going Slow Is the New Sexy

This piece was written by one of our dear readers—a woman with something real to say. Each month, we handpick the best submissions for Dear Reader because we’re after that PROVOKED bite: truth, intelligence, and heart. These stories come from women our age—women who’ve lived enough to know better and still care enough to tell it anyway. Because being seen and heard matters. Because storytelling is how we stitch ourselves to one another. And because when one woman speaks her truth, another finally recognizes her own. — Susan Dabbar, Editor in Chief

Six Smart Moves That Make Midlife Sex Deeper, Hotter, and Worth the Wait

After a self-imposed dating hiatus after ending a seven-year relationship, I went on my first “first date” in almost eight years. It went great. “Adam” was interesting, smart, and attractive. Our conversation flowed, and he made me laugh more than once. I was excited about seeing him again. I also knew I wanted to go slow.

Since my divorce nine years ago, I’ve only “dated” two men. Oh, I’ve gone on lots of first dates. More than 20! But I rarely felt that “click” of attraction. And when I did, I rushed it. I jumped into bed with each guy on the, ahem, second date … and later regretted it. I was repeating the pattern I’d followed in my 20s before I was married—rushing right to the “good stuff,” and letting my hormones run the show.

It wasn’t that the sex wasn’t good. It was. But the instant intimacy made me overlook some significant flaws in each man, flaws that would’ve made me reconsider dating them had I not slept with them so soon.

Adam and I started dating, without having sex. By the sixth date—a long time for me—I was ready. We’d talked for hours, both in person and on the phone. I knew I really liked him, I was confident he liked me, and we had agreed to be exclusive.

Yet there are few things as anxiety-inducing as having sex with someone new for the first time. After 50, those concerns only multiply. Will he like my naked body? Will I like his? Will it be good … or awkward … or flat-out terrible? Will he be able to … you know?

Spoiler alert: His equipment worked just fine. But it’d been a while since I’d been intimate with someone and I discovered that I should’ve taken a couple additional steps to enhance our enjoyment.

The Moves to Take Before You Make Love

You can’t control every detail of what happens on your first night with a new partner. But you can set the stage for satisfying sex with these six strategies:

Protect the Goods

I came of sexual age in the ‘80s, when condoms and sex were irretrievably linked. No condom, no nookie. Today, though, if you’re dating in your 50s, it’s de rigeur to ask for your partner’s STD panel before jumping into bed. Even smarter is to also have condoms on hand.

Lube Is your Best Friend

I was (and am) wildly attracted to Adam. I’m also post-menopause, and almost 65 percent of women in this age group experience vaginal dryness. Sex has been—and can be—much better with the proper lube.

Expect a Plot Twist

You likely already know that the older the guy, the more likely he is to have erectile dysfunction (ED). The percentage correlates roughly with age; at 50, a man has about a 50 percent chance of having trouble getting, or keeping, it up. If it happens, don’t freak out—this likely has nothing to do with you. It may be a one-time issue, or he may need more time, stimulation, or medication to help him along.

Save Your Heart from Whiplash

Sex is an intimate act, and the better the sex, the more likely you are to feel an emotional connection that may or may not exist between the two of you. I’ve “caught feelings” for a man because the sex was so good … when he was only interested in the sex. That stung. I’ve discovered I can’t have “no-strings” sex, and if you can’t either, be mindful of who you give your body (and your heart) to.

Stop Body-Policing Yourself

I work out four or five days a week, and my body has changed with age. My breasts hang lower than they used to. My stomach is softer. I have cellulite I didn’t have in my 40s. I can’t control any of that. I also know when presented with a naked woman—a naked woman who wants to have sex—most men aren’t going to be cataloguing your real or perceived flaws. They’re going to be freakin’ delighted. So cut your midlife body some slack.

Steady and Slow for the Win

Orgasms are great! And I didn’t have an orgasm the first couple of times we had sex … at least not during intercourse. I also didn’t try to force it. I instead embraced kissing, touching, and enjoying the body of a man I really liked instead of leading a forced march to “getting there.” Our first time wasn’t “perfect.” But it was intimate, and tender, and made me like Adam even more.

Patience Is a Virtue—and a Pleasure

It was always easy (perhaps too easy) for me to connect sexually with a man I was attracted to. I thought that was the good stuff.

And now?

Well, now I’ve found that emotional connection that makes the sexual connection so much richer.

Deeper. (Ahem.) Richer.

That’s the real good stuff—and it was worth the wait.

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