Image: Anna Godeassi
Your stories of betrayal, bravery, and letting go—because friendship endings deserve airtime too.
We know how to mourn a bad romance. There are endless quizzes, support groups, and therapy. But when a friendship ends—quietly, painfully, sometimes without warning—where do we put that grief?
Friendship splits can hit even harder than romantic breakups. After all, your friends are your ride or die, the Thelma to your Louise. But we don’t have language or even rituals to process the loss.
Last month, when I wrote about toxic friendships for PROVOKED by susan, my inbox was flooded with stories from women who needed to talk. The word I saw the most? Betrayed. It’s not a feeling we often focus on. So here’s your space—to be seen, to be heard, and to know you’re not alone. We’re filling a gap that often gets ignored.
When Your Ride-or-Die Turns on You
Like a Sister
I loved Bea like a sister. I supported her accomplishments, and when things went wrong, I stuck by her side. One day, a mutual friend asked me why I couldn’t see how much Bea disliked me.
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
Turns out, Bea was badmouthing me to our entire friend group! I felt such a deep sense of betrayal.
“I know you were sincere when you congratulated her, but she was congratulating you and then wishing you would burn down,” our mutual friend continued.
Shocked, I cut out my entire friend group for not telling me sooner. Not everyone who smiles and laughs with you is your friend. I was depressed, but I focused on my marriage and work. I knew I wasn’t the problem.
Now, I’m selective about who I allow into the peaceful life I’ve created. I have three close friends instead of a large group, and I’m much happier.
—Maritsa Mansuroglu
A One-Sided Friendship
Amy and I met during our troubled childhoods in Montana. After high school, she moved to Canada and I moved two hours from home.
We reunited in Paris on a study abroad program where she turned heads, and I, her less attractive sidekick, was annoyed when she arrived 30 minutes late for lunch. One night we found ourselves in Amsterdam’s Red Light District, high and afraid. Men propositioned us and made me feel self-conscious. Amy was thrilled by the attention.
She stayed in Europe. I built a life of hard work, creativity, and activities revolving around two daughters in the U.S. Every summer, Amy visited with her son. She invited herself for dinner, drank bottles of bright pink liquor, and wept in my living room.
Our dynamic felt familiar: My father drank, too. I finally had the courage to leave once I realized it was a one-sided and toxic friendship. When friends and old wounds mix, they make a bad cocktail.
When Your Gut Knew—and You Finally Listened
Trusting My Intuition
After meeting my new friend for coffee the first time, I thought, “Here’s a person who’s never satisfied with how good her life is.” That hunch played out during our 15-year friendship.
There was a lot to like about her; she was smart, charming, and well-known in the writing world, but our friendship took a turn when my writing began to take off. She had always been the “important one,” and was uncomfortable with the shift.
Over lunch one afternoon, she accused me of ignoring her at my child’s wedding. She was also aggrieved that I hadn’t invited her to dinner more often. That day, she made it clear that she wanted me to shower her with gratitude for being my friend.
A day later, she sent a grudging apology, “I hope we can remain friends.” I told her that wasn’t going to happen. Since then, I pay attention to red flags and listen to my intuition.
—Charlotte Charles
Toxic Positivity
When I was 27, my mother was diagnosed with ALS. We were very close and it was devastating. In the week before she died, when I was terrified of losing her, a friend called to ask why I hadn’t been in touch.
I’m deaf and this new friend—another deaf woman, a bit older than me—believed in crystals and New Age things. I valued the friendship but had mixed feelings about it. I told her my mother was near death.
“I’m dealing with this right now,” I said. “It’s my mother. She’s a wonderful person. And she’s only 57.”
“Well, she must have done something to bring it on herself.”
“What?” I couldn’t believe she had just said that.
“On some level she must have wanted this,” the friend continued. “Karma.”
That’s when I knew—with total clarity—she was no longer a friend. We never spoke again.
Standing Up for Myself
She was my best friend for a decade. When her “he’s the one” boyfriend broke up with her, we spent hours on the phone. When I needed to talk because my dad was sick, she told me I was oppressive.
Usually, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. This time I spoke up. She ghosted me.
After 9/11, I decided to reach out. Our fight felt petty in light of everything. Her response? “Well, I guess I’m glad you’re not dead.”
That was it for me.
It was devastating to cut contact, but our friendship had always been about her. There was no space for me. Ten years later, she reached out. I wished her well—and said no.
I’m not willing to go back.
When Life Changes—So Do Friendships
Bonded Through Grief
When our mentor died, Annie and I, little more than acquaintances, clung to each other. Grieving Maria bonded us. We sobbed in late night phone calls and over morning coffee.
A year later, when Annie moved to the West Coast to be near her dad, I said, “I don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t,” she promised.
Our friendship stayed strong through boyfriends, career highs, and cross-country visits. I flew out after her father died, but when I returned home, the distance felt wider. I thought it was a side effect of her grief.
We kept showing up for the big stuff. When I turned 50, my husband and I moved to the West Coast, two blocks from Annie. We could no longer hide the distance between us. I was social and open. She was solitary, protective of her time.
“We should talk,” I said after another awkward meetup. But we never did. My heart still aches.
A Friendship of Convenience
I met my group of friends when our kids were in preschool. We got together on the weekends, talked about kids, and complained about husbands. But as our children got older, and I started going through menopause, I began focusing more on my health. I cut out coffee, alcohol, and anything that affected my mood or sleep.
I never imposed my choices on others, but three friends always asked if I was drinking or wanted a gummy. When I said, “No, thank you,” they took it personally, like I was looking down on them. But it was never my intention.
Recently, I found out that one of these friends called me lame for staying home on a Friday night with my college-aged son to watch movies and cook dinner, rather than hanging out with the group.
I was livid and hurt, and I wanted to call her out on it. But then it dawned on me. This has never been a true friendship. It was a friendship of convenience. Now, it’s no longer convenient, so I’m letting it go. I only want authentic relationships in my life.
—Angi Williams
Too Many Demands
How do you sum up a 40-year friendship and its slow demise?
Suzanne and I met in seventh grade. Throughout our difficult childhoods we lost contact, but we reconnected as adults after we both had kids. We bonded over being working moms who tried to do it all.
I flew halfway across the country to visit her and take her on vacations, but I was footing the bill. I realized I was putting more energy into her than myself.
When I tried to focus on my own family, Suzanne became more demanding. She was critical and judgmental, but I still cared about her. I couldn’t walk away. The final straw was a girls’ trip.
“You’re being cold and snotty. You make me feel stupid,” she said.
That’s when I knew the relationship was no longer serving me. I had to prioritize myself and my family. I walked away, but I’m still not over it.
—Anne Lee
When Doing the Right Thing Costs You Everything
Misogyny Prevailed
My profession and moral responsibility to a student blew up a tight coterie of friends in the small college town where we all live and work. Our little group was idyllic: We traveled to Mexico over spring break, hiked on weekends, and had cocktail bonfires together.
Then, one of my students confided that one of these friends had hit on her in his office. She planned to file a Title IX sexual harassment case. I had known of this friend’s past marital infidelities with students, but he’d always worked it out with his wife, who was also part of this friend group.
I filed my report (as required by law), and included that he had a history of sexual relationships with students. When he was fired, I lost four friends: the man and his wife, but surprisingly, two others who decided that I was the villain.
I’m still processing this loss. I hadn’t accounted for the fact that the men I considered friends would believe another man, instead of me or the student. I grew up in the 1990s where Anita Hill was reviled. I wanted this woman’s story to be different.
I would do it all over again.
—Lynn Scott
When Walking Away Was Freedom
A Weight Off My Shoulders
I met Dria in flight attendant school for American Airlines in 2007. It was a small cohort of students and we all bonded during the eight weeks of training. Aside from being a flight attendant, I was also a personal trainer.
Dria and I would meet up at the gym to work out between studies. Once we graduated, we stayed close and I coached her through her first bodybuilding show. And then, she began dating a guy with bad energy.
Sometimes you just know it’s not going to go well. He didn’t like me. Maybe he saw me as a threat. Suddenly, Dria was talking smack about me to the bodybuilding community. This was my livelihood, so it went way beyond petty BS. It was a total betrayal.
She turned on me because he was controlling her. There was nothing I could do to make her see it. I had to walk away. The guy never committed to her. In the end, she lost both of us. It makes me sad to this day.
The Grief No One Prepared You For
Friendship breakups hurt, and they don’t come with a girls’ night out and playlists to help you mourn like romantic breakups often do. But maybe they should.
It’s not easy to break up with a friend, but sometimes it’s necessary.
You deserve friends that show up for you, support you, protect your peace, and make you feel like the queen you are. Even if it’s the hardest thing you ever have to do.
Have a story of your own? Share in the comments. We’re here and we’re listening.
Wow! Thank you for these stories, I related to each and every one. I am in the midst of a friendship break up now and, thanks for all the tools and support I have, I’m handling it well. It is still hard to imagine that someone I love (still do) and trust (may be not so much now) would end a relationship over something so small.
Thanks again!
Hi Lee, Thank you for sharing this—it really is heartbreaking when someone you love chooses to walk away, especially over something that feels small. You’re right: even with all the tools and support, it still stings. But naming it, talking about it, and knowing you’re not alone takes away some of the sadness. We’re so glad these stories resonated with you. —susan
I thought my 33 year friendship would last forever. In all the years we’ve been friends, we never had a disagreement. Then came the election of 2024. I was adamant about how I felt (left leaning) and she was just as adamant (hard right leaning. I was posting things that reflected how I felt about the political situation. She called me – at work – to tell me how hurtful I was being and it turned into a big argument. I was trying to explain why I felt the way I did and she just kept trying to tell me how wrong I was. I feel like there was a death. I’ve cried a river over this. We always talked about growing old together and now there’s nothing.
I had an incomparable friendship for more than 40 years, and we both knew that our bond would outlast any relationships with men; it would be the stable and everlasting one. When she was 60 or so, she began to neglect her personal hygiene. It was so difficult to tell her that she had to do something about it–she smelled. She didn’t take it well, things were never the same, and we eventually were no longer in touch. None of her other friends, and there are many, wanted to mention this to her, but I felt that it was doing her a favor. They are still friends with her and I am demonized. There was never a friend who could compare to her and it is hard to accept the loss.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like it was such a difficult situation to navigate.
During Covid, I was in a virtual Book Club. The moderator of the Book Club and I became close friends after the book club slowly diminished. We spoke pretty regularly. She lived in another city, which was a two hour flight away. When her mother died, I let her and her family stay in a condo I owned in Florida. I supported her through a sabbatical, a job loss, and writing a book. In fairness, she was there for me through a job loss and the issues I was dealing with caretaking for my mother remotely, but as time went on it felt less about me and more about her.
Our conversations became less and less. She was just not available. She had mentioned that other friends had noted to her that she wasn’t as available. We spoke in December and. I mentioned that I was disappointed in her lack of communication. She agreed said she’d make more of an attempt, but I didn’t hear from her for several months. She reached out a few weeks ago when she was in my area, but I chose to end the friendship because it didn’t feel like she was putting in nearly the amount of effort that I was. Although I thought we’d be long time friends, I suppose she was in my life for a season or a reason. Still sad.
Thank you for sharing this story. Sending hugs. It sounds like you did the right thing by taking care of your needs and setting boundaries.
Friends come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. The wisdom lies in know which is which.
Stella this is so true. It’s hard to let go sometimes but it’s also good to know when it’s time.
Thank you for this piece, starting this conversation, and giving women a safe place to discuss this very difficult life experience.
However, I take issue with “no one talks about” in the title. I talked about it, as have many of my friends.
There is nothing “no one” is talking about. It’s clickbaity and your piece is better than that.
I wrote about it here:
https://open.substack.com/pub/larastarr/p/its-kind-of-a-long-story-about-auld?r=fp2aa&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
Thanks for sharing your piece. My experience has been that many women feel shame and are holding grief around this, and this is an opportunity to let women know they deserve to be seen and heard. I am so glad you are talking about it. We need more of that.
We met in a mommy and me class 36 years ago, three of us. I am still very close to one. I’ve chosen to minimize my friendship with the other. In the last 35 years, we went through life’s ups and downs together as great friends do. All of a sudden, she stopped communicating, I wasn’t hearing from her. She knew that I had been diagnosed with a debilitating disease (I’m doing quite well), she knew I had serious marital issues, she knew I was working on launching a new business, etc etc I never had even received a text asking how I was. She had no idea that my daughter gave birth and I became a grandmother for the second time. A year passed, no word. Then, lo and behold, I received a long text all about her busy life (like who isn’t busy?). Without anger or judgment, I told her how I felt and that our relationship had changed. One of her excuses was “did you know I have a boyfriend?” I was flabbergasted, gobsmacked…girls in middle school tend to ignore their friends when they have a boyfriend! We are grown women, considered to be seniors! We still text occasionally but I realize I’m not interested in pursuing anything more.
Thank you for sharing your story Carolyn. We have to make time for those we love and care about. It sounds like you made the right choice.
I had a friend of ten years who I felt was a friend of my heart. We shared a hobby, she brought me gifts from her travels, we talked all the time. I helped her spouse land a job with my organization — on my recommendation (his resume was lackluster, I was able to articulate his skills). And then… Job gossip I’d shared with her suddenly became fodder for her spouse, she must have toldher husband, who shared with my co-workers. Then one day she called me and asked probing questions about a co-worker that I had a conflict with — the questions were weird, like someone wearing a wire.
“Wait… Am I on speakerphone?” (me)
“Oh…Yes. It’s just Doug and me.” (Pat)
I knew that this was not true, that there were more people listening, in my gut, and I was being played.
That friendship ended AND awkward with the guy who got a job on my recommendation. Hurt.
Wow, thank you for sharing your story. It’s so painful when a friend betrays our trust.
My ride or die friend called me out of the blue after 5 years and said I just want you to know we are not going to be friends anymore. No explanation. Never heard from her again. I was devastated. It still hurts to think about after 6 years. I have several acquaintances but have not formed any close friends since.
That is so difficult and even worse that you didn’t get closure. I’m so sorry you experienced that from someone you trusted. Thank you for sharing your story.
I’m so sorry you went through this, Willow. A culture of selfishness and cowardice has arisen out of the well-intentioned movement toward women having greater boundaries, labeling anyone imperfect as “toxic,” etcetera.
Also, some people grow up in passive-aggressive households where no one tells each other their real feelings or asks directly for what they want and need. They enact this behavior with friends, then decide their friend is toxic (because they’ve never TOLD their friend about the friend’s unwanted behaviors) and dump them. Happened to me during the pandemic. It was horrible.
While you were lucky not to be ghosted entirely, it sucks.
Losing a friend is so sad, but sometimes (actually, almost always) it’s for the best. Great article.
Thank you Nicci! It can be so difficult and so painful. But there is light on the other side sometimes.
AS I’ve been researching spiritual narcissism for a forthcoming book, it’s become clear to me that I’m a magnet for victim narcissists. I tend to be a giver and enjoy helping people. Hence, sometimes I don’t catch all the signs that a relationship has become one sided. But over time, I do catch on. And then when I stand up for myself and set some boundaries, the person I thought was a friend turns on me for not fulfilling their needs. To counteract this, I’ve asked my partner to clue me in if he sees signs that I am extending myself too much without getting anything back.
MRG that’s a good idea. It’s important to know what to look for in a toxic relationship
I have lost a few longtime friends. Mostly because they became very one-sided. I give, they take.
Most recently a friend of 30 years ended our friendship. I was upset about it at first, but then I saw how much energy it took for me to deal with her and her complaining about things that happened not only in her life, but politically, It was exhausting.
Interestingly three out of four former friends were diagnosed ADHD. One friend and I reconciled after a few years, then a few years later , it happened again, that was it. I was done. Another Friend compared me to her ex-boyfriend who was a narcissist. Done! After a few years she approached me as she moved back to my area. We are currently “friends”. Our friendship will never be the same as I no longer trust her after the first blow up. I feel like she could dump me again anytime, so I’m guarded. If it happens again, I won’t be surprised.
Wow Beth, you’ve been through the friendship wringer, and it sounds like each time has taught you something about where you’ll spend your energy (and where you won’t). It’s so hard when history and loyalty collide with the reality of how draining a relationship has become. I think so many of us know that feeling of staying “guarded” even when we’ve let someone back in — it’s self-protection. And you’re right, once trust takes a hit, the dynamic changes for good. Thank you for sharing this — it’s a reminder that protecting your peace is just as important as protecting a friendship. —susan
Wow! Very powerful. I lost a friend in November. I was trying to plan my 60th birthday brunch. My friend, who had become like a sister over the previous 12 years, had several events conflicting and suggested we do something separate. I agreed this was the best option and planned accordingly. She became furious and viscious, behavior I had never experienced from her. She said some awful things that sent me into a 5 month depression and refused to discuss it. Clearly she had some resentments she kept well hidden and decided to end the friendship without giving me an opportunity to fix things. Now whenever we are in the same room she practically starts shaking when she sees me. I still think about her daily but the pain has (mostly) softened. The crazy thing is, my relationship with my spouse improved dramatically when that friendship ended and I am happier overall. We did a fair amount of venting and I think that perpetuated some of the feelings from petty arguments, which negatively affected my marriage. While it was as painful as a divorce at the time, I am grateful for the lessons and a happier marriage.
Stacy, This is such a powerful (and painfully relatable) story — thank you for sharing it. Losing someone who felt like family can hit harder than we expect, especially when it ends with no closure and so many unanswered questions. It’s a gut punch, but you’re right: sometimes the loss clears space for unexpected gains.
I love that you’ve found deeper happiness in your marriage and clarity about how certain dynamics were affecting you. It’s proof that even the most heartbreaking endings can hold a gift — just not the one we were looking for at the time.
And yes, it’s remarkable how friendship breakups can rival (or surpass) romantic ones in grief and in lessons learned. I had a similar experience in the last year and it continues to leave me shaken. I am working very hard, every day, to not give so much space in my head and my heart and move on. —susan