The Grandson We Never Met

This piece was written by one of our dear readers—a woman with something real to say. Each month, we handpick the best submissions for Dear Reader because we’re after that PROVOKED bite: truth, intelligence, and heart. These stories come from women our age—women who’ve lived enough to know better and still care enough to tell it anyway. Because being seen and heard matters. Because storytelling is how we stitch ourselves to one another. And because when one woman speaks her truth, another finally recognizes her own. — Susan Dabbar, Editor in Chief

Estrangement is quietly becoming an epidemic. One woman turned heartbreak into connection—and discovered that family can be chosen.

We’ve never met our grandson. The day he was born, our son sent a text that said, “You have lost a grandson, a son, and a nephew.” The reason? We couldn’t make it to the hospital—just 90 minutes away—for his birth. Not long after, another message came: “Grandparents have no rights.”

That was it—the moment we were erased. What should’ve been the start of a new chapter became the beginning of a long, painful estrangement, affecting not just us, but our son’s entire birth family.

The Double Heartbreak of Grandparent Alienation

Grandparent Alienation Syndrome is a form of elder abuse that occurs when parents deliberately undermine or restrict their children’s relationships with their grandparents. This act is a double-edged sword, causing deep harm to both generations.

Grandparents often endure emotional distress, grief, and isolation, while children may suffer from confusion, anxiety, and challenges in building and maintaining healthy relationships.

The scope of the problem is significant. A recent poll found that about 6 percent of American adults reported being estranged from a grandchild. Given that there are over 67 million grandparents in the U.S. aged 40 and older, this translates to roughly 4 million grandparents potentially estranged from their grandchildren. Of course, these numbers are estimates, and the figures vary depending on how estrangement is defined—whether it’s total loss of contact or limited interaction.

Ironically, estrangement wasn’t new to our daughter-in-law’s family dynamic—it had already left its mark. Our grandson’s half-brother, from his mother’s first marriage, had been estranged from his grandmother and father’s side of the family for a decade. Watching history repeat itself deepened the ache and strengthened my resolve to change the narrative.

And that was the moment I was provoked to create a Surrogate Grandparents-USA, a Facebook group for people longing to connect across generations. What started with a few posts, has grown into a national community of almost 14,000 members, all building relationships based on kindness, purpose, and belonging—far beyond biology.

Redefining Family Through Love and Choice

Modern life has changed what “family” looks like. Many people live far from loved ones; others are separated by divorce, death, distance, or conflict. Some parents raise children without nearby support, while countless grandparents quietly grieve the little ones they rarely or never see.

In our group, family isn’t defined by DNA—it’s defined by love. One post might say, “We have an adventurous 3-year-old and a 6-month-old baby girl. Searching for grandparent(s) that will be obsessed with them and keep frequent contact with them to form a deep and lasting bond.” Another might come from a grandmother who writes, “I have six grandchildren but rarely see them. I’d love to be a grandma to children who would appreciate me.”

That’s the common theme amongst estranged grandparents: We all want to love and to be loved, to be seen, to matter.

Finding community means finding strength. It fulfills the essential human need to belong, ease stress and build resilience, rediscover meaning and purpose, and to heal through connection.

For older adults, retirement or loss can leave a space where connection used to be. For young families, not having grandparents nearby can mean fewer helping hands and shared moments. A supportive group can help bridge that gap.

What Chosen Connection Looks Like

One of our members joined after realizing how much she missed hearing the laughter of children. Now she spends weekends baking cookies and reading stories with a local family who call her “Nana J.” Parents are thrilled every time their kids’ faces light up when the surrogate grandparents visit, cheer at soccer games, or call just to check in. These aren’t quick connections—they’re real relationships that grow naturally and deeply.

All of the stories shared remind us it’s never too late to belong. A widowed grandmother told us that she found purpose reading bedtime stories to a little girl. A military family gained a “bonus grandpa” who now cheers at every baseball game. A young mom who lost both parents said, “They may not be my kids’ biological grandparents, but they love them like they are—and that’s all that matters.”

Each story adds to a larger picture of love, resilience, and hope. Building this community has proven to me that people do show up for one another, especially when life veers in directions we never planned.

A New Definition of Family

It’s all about belonging. It’s about redefining what family can mean today—compassionate, flexible, and inclusive. I may have lost a biological grandson that day, but through the group I’ve gained a wide circle of others walking this same road—people turning lemons into lemonade and proving that love never needs permission. It didn’t replace my grandson. Nothing will. But it reminded me I still had love left to give.

If our grandson someday learns who I am, it’s my hope that he’ll also learn that his existence sparked something gentle and meaningful—an effort rooted in kindness, connection, and love.

When we choose family, we affirm that connection is a human necessity, not a genetic entitlement. Even in a digital age, love remains beautifully human—expressed through presence, patience, and open hearts. And as these connections continue to grow, one truth stands out: We’re not just forming relationships—we’re reshaping the very meaning of family, one chosen bond at a time.