One is afraid of running out. The other is afraid of having to ask. Neither fear cares what’s in the account.
Beth is 63, divorced, owns her home outright, and has more than $1 million saved. She works full time, and her adult children are grown and financially independent. By almost any measure, she’s on track to retire in the next few years. She doesn’t feel like she is.
“I was always fearful about what I spent,” she said, “but now I’m insane.”
She gets her nails done only for special occasions, shops at discount stores, and still regrets buying a cheaper car instead of the hybrid she wanted. She stopped coloring her hair when it went gray. Beth worries about needing long-term care, unexpected home expenses, and becoming a financial burden to her children.
She’s also far from alone. An AARP survey released this year found that more than half of women 50 and older worry their money won’t last through retirement, and women in this age group report significantly more concern about it than men.
Economic uncertainty gives everyone reasons to worry. What’s harder to explain is why the worry survives everything that was supposed to end it.
The Other Fear
Rachel, 60, is remarried and financially comfortable. She and her husband have substantial retirement savings and a million-dollar home. But she still worries about whether they’ll have enough money in retirement. Her husband tells her, “We’re good. Stop worrying.”
Today, she has her own paycheck, but fears losing some financial independence in retirement.
“I like to get my hair colored and cut, and my husband doesn’t need to know how much that is,” she said. “And I like to go shopping for my suits for work, my meetings, my parties, and anything I have to attend. I like the nice bag from time to time.” She also likes to give frequent gifts to her children.
“Right now,” she said, “my money is money to do with as I please.”
Retirement means those personal purchases may become conversations with her husband.
Money Vigilance
The numbers say they’re financially prepared, but their nervous systems aren’t convinced.
Dr. Courtney Crisp, a clinical psychologist and author of the forthcoming Feminist Perspectives on Women, Money, and Psychology, said our “relationships with money are shaped by both personal life experiences and broader historical and social context.” Childhood messages, marriage and divorce, having children, work experiences, and other major life events can all influence women’s relationships with money.
Because women are more likely to experience caregiving responsibilities, career interruptions, and financial dependence at some point in their lives, those experiences can shape how safe they feel about money long after their financial circumstances have changed. “This is often in ways that reflect structural inequities as much as individual psychology,” she said.
Neither grew up in a family that talked openly about money. Both married into wealth believing their husbands would provide, and both later divorced and became primary breadwinners. But those experiences left them with different fears. Beth is afraid of running out, while Rachel is afraid of having to ask.
For many women, money has never been just about paying the bills. It’s been about protecting the people they love, staying independent, and making sure they never become dependent on their children. That helps explain why feeling financially safe can be so much harder than actually being financially secure. Dr. Crisp recognized the pattern immediately.
“This is a great example of money vigilance—a money script where people accumulate substantial wealth yet feel higher-than-average financial anxiety,” she said.
That’s where retirement gets complicated. After decades of measuring success by how much you’ve saved, using that money can feel less like enjoying what you’ve earned and more like breaking the rules you’ve lived by for 30 or 40 years.
Dr. Mary Gresham, a financial therapist, said that transition requires a psychological adjustment as much as a financial one.
“When you change a major behavior pattern, that comes with a lot of anxiety,” she said.
When Security Doesn’t Feel Safe
When asked how much it would take to finally feel financially secure, Beth thought for a moment before answering: “$5 million.” The surprise is that even then, she said, she’d probably keep working. She imagines traveling more and helping her grandchildren, but she isn’t convinced she’d stop worrying about money.
Rachel had a different answer to the same question: “I will never feel financially comfortable retiring because I’m so independent.”
For Rachel, money represents freedom as much as it represents security. She wants to keep helping family members and the charities she supports. She also wants the freedom to spend on the things she enjoys without feeling she has to justify them.
Beth has spent decades trying to make sure she’ll never run out. Rachel has spent decades making sure she’ll never have to depend on anyone else. Their fears are different. The result isn’t.
Financial security arrived.
Feeling safe never quite did.
*Beth and Rachel are pseudonyms to protect their privacy.
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