Women at over 50 are financially supporting their adult children at record rates—and paying for it with their own retirement security. Love isn’t the problem. Boundaries are.
They say the Bank of Mom is closed. But for most of us, it’s just on an extended payment plan—with no interest, no boundaries, and no retirement.
Just “one more” Venmo payment. Another drained savings account. Moving money around as the zeros disappear. We tell ourselves we’re just “helping out” as the resentment builds.
The idea that you’re only on the hook for 18 years and then finally get to reclaim your time and money? That’s becoming a relic of the past.
A recent AARP survey of adults 45+ with at least one child 18+ found that a staggering 75 percent of parents are financially supporting at least one adult child, even though 53 percent of these adult children can meet their basic needs with some money left over.
For women on the precipice of retirement or already in it, giving may feel like a gift, but it can be a burden. You could be helping your child and hurting yourself, walking on a financial tightrope as you deal with aging parents and grown children.
The Guilt Economy
Every time we send a little “help,” it feels like love. Until we realize love has better uses than bailouts. But why is it so hard to say no to your adult children?
Two words: mom guilt. The crushing weight of society’s expectations. Feeling like you’re letting your kid down.
“Many women avoid saying ‘no’ to their children out of guilt and a sense of obligation. They worry that the children will think they’re selfish or don’t love them, when in reality it’s about self-preservation,” said Rachael Burns, a Certified Financial Planner who specializes in divorced and widowed women in their 50s and 60s.
You can’t burn your finances to the ground while tossing a life raft to someone else, even if it’s your child. Every time you swoop in to save the day, you risk bankrupting yourself. For what? The award of “World’s Best Mom”?
Why Saying No Feels Impossible
“I think our generation was taught to want to make our children’s lives easier than ours, perhaps more than previous generations,” said Michelle Gessner, a Certified Financial Planner and mom of two grown daughters. “In doing so, some of us are going a little too far. It’s important to remember to let adult children solve their own problems so that they gain self-respect and resilience, which are both key to leading a successful life. But also because who will take care of us?”
Women are the caregivers for children and parents, doing the invisible labor that keeps everything and everyone together. And when kids want something, they turn to you: “Mom, can I have some money?” But the cost may be too high.
“Every dollar you give your children is a dollar taken away from your future self, plus the growth it could’ve earned by being invested. To make up for it, you’ll have to either work longer or spend less,” said Burns.
If you can afford to be generous, great. But hurting yourself or enabling poor choices and behavior is another story. Step into the fire, and you’re going to get burned. There’s a major difference between giving and enabling.
Your love doesn’t need boundaries. Your money does. Because financial self-preservation isn’t selfish. It’s how you stop being the hero in everyone else’s story and start being a hero in your own.
The Cost of Loving
A Savings.com survey revealed that nearly 50 percent of parents have sacrificed their own financial security to help their grown children. Helping financially can make sense if you can afford it and you’re clear on the conditions.
But many parents are spending more to help their children than on their own retirement. The survey also found that working parents reported contributing an average of $1,589 per month to their adult child, while contributing an average of $673 per month to their retirement. In other words, parents are contributing more than double to their adult children compared to their retirement.
But that doesn’t make you a villain or a hero. Let’s address the elephant in the room: The cost-of-living crisis is hurting everyone. Inflation is up close to 25 percent over the past five years, according to the CPI Inflation calculator. The cost of housing, health care, and childcare? Astronomical.
The economy you grew up in isn’t the same economy as today. And it’s squeezing everyone. In the past, parents may have helped out financially with weddings or even down payments. You might have planned for that as one-time major gifts. Today, parents are helping out with more day-to-day expenses.
Where the Money Is Actually Going
According to the Savings.com survey, among parents who report financially supporting an adult child, the top categories they contribute to include:
- Groceries or food (83 percent)
- Cell phone (65 percent)
- Rent or mortgage (63 percent)
- Health insurance or health care (54 percent)
- Leisure/vacations (46 percent)
- Tuition or other school expenses (45 percent)
Most are what we call “the basics.” The economy and systemic inequality have made balancing the usual milestones of adulthood out of reach or challenging to manage. So, it’s not your fault you’re in this impossible situation. It’s not your children’s fault, either. And if you do give them money? Put an expiration date on it or a limit.
“I think it’s important not to go into helping your kids without some metrics around it, both in terms of how long is this going to last, and what is this actually going to cost?” said Kate Phelan, Senior Vice President, Regional Director of Wealth Planning and Trust Advisory at U.S. Bank Private Wealth Management.
Closing the Bank of Mom—for Real
You have to say that the Bank of Mom is closed—or that you’re giving a gift or loan and here are the terms. Stretching yourself financially until you snap won’t help anyone and both you and your children could feel it.
“We have to take care of ourselves and I remind my clients that our adult children will have to take care of us if we’re reckless with our own financial planning,” said Gessner.
She’s right. You’ve already paid for their braces, their school, their clothes, you name it. You don’t owe them your retirement. Love them, yes. But fund yourself first. That’s the endgame of good parenting—taking care of yourself, so they don’t have to take care of you.
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