Women were told earning more would bring equality. No one renegotiated the laundry.
“I would go on business trips, and I would come home, and the house would be a mess. There would be stuff everywhere, laundry here, laundry there, and I had just gotten fed up,” said Darlene Lekowski, an author and advocate.
Lekowski had climbed the corporate ladder and became the primary breadwinner. But at home, that success didn’t change how the work was divided. Her husband stopped working. When he did find work, he would quit.
Carrying the burden of childcare, chores, and earning, Lekowski tried to reset. “Okay, if you’re not going to work, and I’m the breadwinner, then maybe you should become a stay-at-home dad,” she said.
They tried that and failed. “He couldn’t handle it. I ended up having to hire a tutor, because he would yell at the kids to get their homework done. And I’m like, well, this isn’t working,” she said.
“I have a fourth child,” she added. “He can’t work, he can’t tutor, he can’t be a stay-at-home dad.”
When women become primary earners and traditional roles flip, we think everything else will follow. And then it doesn’t. That success at work doesn’t bring relief from the unrelenting labor of managing a household.
Feminism delivered the paycheck, but nobody renegotiated the rest. Many of us were following hard-won advice that was passed down by mothers, grandmothers, and aunts stuck in unhappy marriages or impossible situations and couldn’t afford to leave.
“Make sure you always have your own money, so you don’t rely financially on a man.”
The message was clear: Don’t get trapped like me.
So we dutifully followed the advice, built successful careers, and earned the money our ancestors could only dream of. And then we ended up in a different trap that we were never warned about.
For those of us in our 50s and 60s, it feels like we were sold an opportunity and ended up with more work instead. We got the promotion, but never got out of our first job.
“I just needed a partner to help, and I felt like I was all alone,” she said.
The Reality of Being a Female Breadwinner
Lekowski’s experience is far from unique. An analysis from the Center for American Progress found that 45% of mothers—either single or married to men—were breadwinners, based on the most recent government data from 2023. That number increased to 69% for Black mothers.
Michelle M. Smith, a financial advisor and certified divorce financial analyst at Savant Wealth Management, has a front-row seat to women’s financial lives and is seeing this dynamic play out often with her clients.
“We talk about how if they [female breadwinner clients] had a company where one person was the wage earner, the COO, head of HR, and everything, you would call that a bad org chart,” said Smith.
“You would call that a broken business model, and that’s exactly what happens,” she added. “And it’s like, okay, great, you have three unpaid jobs, one paid job, and a roommate.”
In our 20s and 30s, major income disparities can feel temporary—we’re building together. After decades together, these disparities often become a pattern. In midlife, the clock is ticking. We’re in our peak earning years, with retirement on the horizon. Resentment builds, and we start to wonder if we can retire with a non-contributing partner.
The reality is that we take care of others, but there’s no one to take care of us.
And then an unavoidable question emerges: “Is this the life I really want for the next 20 years?”
Paying for It All
As women, when we decide to divorce in midlife, Smith noted that we’re not always met with financial fear. Instead, something far more incendiary: financial anger.
The anger of putting up with it for so long—maybe even decades. For paying the price in money, time, and stress, and forgoing a chance at a different life when we know something better might be on the other side.
“We’re often still the peacemakers, and we’re very quiet about it, until we can’t be quiet about it,” said Smith. “How do you renegotiate the economics of staying when it has become this imbalanced?”
We can try to answer the million-dollar question without ending up in a million-dollar divorce with a postnuptial agreement.
“I think one of the most underutilized tools, where half the value is actually having a conversation about it, is a postnup. A postnup isn’t necessarily an exit strategy,” said Smith.
Instead, it can help couples outline financial and non-financial contributions and expectations. And if we do move forward with divorce, understand the math and the tradeoffs. “I’d love to replace the word ‘downsizing’ with ‘right-sizing,’” said Smith.
Even so, she admits it can be a challenge when a woman earns the bulk of the money while also doing the household labor, childcare, and elder care. It can feel unfair to have to pay alimony or split assets and disrupt our retirement plans.
“I always say the math feels so much more cruel for the breadwinning woman,” added Smith.
Life After the Breaking Point
At 47, after more than two decades of marriage, Lekowski realized she no longer viewed her husband as a partner. Her breaking point came when she was stuck in a miserable job and was offered more money to stay, but the situation with her husband left her conflicted.
“If you [her husband] just made that amount of money, then I wouldn’t have to stay at a company I hate. And he couldn’t do it, and that was my breaking point,” Lekowski explained. “I hated who I was becoming.”
The burden of earning, logistics, and invisible labor falling on her shoulders fundamentally changed the relationship dynamic. “I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I felt like he was a roommate,” she added.
The couple divorced. Despite the imbalance, she had to pay him both alimony and child support. And in middle age, she completely overhauled her life and paid the financial consequences, leading to financial struggles and readjusted timelines.
But she didn’t settle or let fear of being alone or starting over win. In doing so, she got a second chance and met her current husband a couple of years after her separation. Now, at 60, she has a thriving marriage and is with someone who’s a true partner in every sense of the word.
Getting there put her through hell and back, and it cost her. But taking back her life and finding an equal was worth it.
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